The modern problem of body self-loathing has reached
epidemic proportions. Most people of the
western world seem to be afflicted. Yet
the problem itself is not a disease, it is a bad habit of negative
self-talk. The good news is that like
any habit it can be broken with dedication and practice.
I have a two year old daughter and I can assure you she has
never has a single moment of self doubt…yet.
This dysfunction is not something that springs inherently from human
nature, but is a cultural dysfunction.
We have to call bullshit on it, not only individually but collectively,
as it is a highly contagious disorder.
Women quickly sink into the vernacular of self-loathing as
small talk. “I feel so fat today.” “Oh my god, me too!” People slip into this type of conversation
lightly, without thinking. That faux-sisterly
banter is not helping anything. Its not
even helping people be less “fat”.
One of the more striking things about active body-loathing
is that it seems like it would be more effective. It seems like all this negative talk would
spurn people on to “do something” about their “problem”. If everyone who talked about how hideous
their bodies were using their negativity as riding crop to whip themselves into
thinness it would almost make sense in a horrible way. Instead, what I have more often seen, is that
people lose weight and then are surprised when they still feel bad about
themselves. That is because the true stealth goal of negative body talk is to
hate and debase yourself. Your body is
just the easiest means to that end.
When I got involved with neo-burlesque more than fifteen years ago, it was the first time I sat in a room with a group of women where the conversation
did not veer into self-hatred. On the
contrary. Here I was sitting in a room
full of women of various ages and shapes that were owning and valuing their
unique selves. It was radical. And there was so many more things to talk
about!
At that moment it occurred to me that perhaps the ticker
tape of negativity that scrolled through my head on a daily basis – that
started with my body and then went into every other perceived flaw – could just
be cut. Perhaps I could simply decide to
stop saying these things to myself. I am
going to tell you that it was a lot easier than I imagined. I am going to tell you that beneath all of
that sadness and self-pity and disgust I had a feeling I had value.
I challenge whomever is reading this to consider joining
me. What I am suggesting is nothing
short of radical self-acceptance.
That means you pledge to accept yourself now as you are. Not 10 pounds from now. Not when you get that job or when you meet
the love of your life. Quit today -- cold turkey! Sometimes it will
not be easy, but I really believe it will be easier than you imagine.
None of this is to say you should not be rigorous with
yourself. When you are stronger, look at
yourself objectively. Strive to be your
best physically and mentally, but on your own terms to live your best life.
How much time do you spend with negative self-talk per
day? 15 minutes? A hour?
All day long? Do the math and
figure out how much time that eats up in a year. Then consider donating that time to people in
real need. Getting outside of yourself
is a great balm and while body self-loathing is an epidemic in our society I
think we can all agree there are much worse problems. (15 minutes a day is 84
hours in a year).
You can blame the media, you can blame society, but this starts with you. If you cant love your self enough yet think
of all the special people in your life that you admire. Think about them
being subjected to this type of abuse.
You would stand up to anyone who tried to talk shit about your
friend or your sister, right? Now consider
giving just 10% of that love and respect to yourself.
Think about what a great lover you will be when you feel
confident about yourself inside and out.
Then you will be able to give more because the focus wont always be on
you and your deficits. Think about what
a great friend you will be when you don’t steer the conversation into group
self hate. Think of what a great role
model you will be to your siblings or children by not passing on this habit of
hate. Above all, think of what a good
pal you can be to yourself!
One of the enemies is surely the false goal of Perfection. A monolithic concept, perfection implies one
correct way that only a few are able to attain.
It is destructive and should be removed from your goals.
Instead, I would like to promote the idea of Flawlessness. Flawlessness means that we are all
inherently free of flaw. Also, Flawlessness comes from the fierce,
queer tradition of serving up the best YOU you can.
Welcome to the Flawless Foundation. Pass it on!